Vita Amici
by Zombie Kitty
Summary: Well I thought this up in the early hours the other night, mostly because of insmonia and a noodle,orangeade fueled hyperness state. Bit of a RD,Friends,Coupling,Other stuff mix... Whatever...
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I don't own RD, or Friends, or any other show that could be associated with this.

Anyway I thought this up around 3mish, will not be naming chapters but it will end eventually. Next chapters are going to explore the characters more - apologies for it's crapness.

**Vita Amici**

Arnold leaned over the counter aiming the knife he was using to cut a sandwich at the head of the resident musician David Lister. Behind him the owner of the shop – Harold was busy ignoring customers and trying to do the puzzles in the local paper.

"Excuse me could I get some service here please?" Came a voice from down the bar.

"We're busy." Arnold replied automatically.

"No you're not." At this Arnold looked up, the place was almost empty. He bit into his sandwich and looked round for Hattie the waitress, who at that moment came stumbling in from the back room carrying a tray of coffee.

"Hiya, sorry I took so long, I forgot where everything was." She explained to the man who had complained a moment before.

"Oh sorry, is it your first day here?" He asked sympathetically.

"More like 2 years." She giggled goofily.

Arnold watched as she tripped over someone's handbag and went flying into a man as he entered.

"Hey Hattie love, You could get hurt – Or even worse – You could damage my wardrobe." He laughed as he helped her to her feet.

"Sorry Danny." She breathed as she dashed backed past Howard to make up someone's order from 20 minutes ago. Arnold wondered about helping but was distracted as Danny sauntered over and took a place opposite.

"Hey Shorty, any chance of you doing something remotely useful besides stuffing your face and getting me a pint?" He said oozing sarcasm and charm simultaneously.

"How about please?"

"How about hurry up?" At this Arnold growled and started to serve him – He had left his parents in IO for THIS? He looked up and breathed a sigh of relief as Lister finished his song and wandered over to the bar.

"Danny – my man, so how was I today?" He asked giving Danny a hi5 as he slid onto the bar stool next to him.

"Painful as always Dave." He replied smiling.

"Some people just can't appreciate me playing fine music." Dave retorted, taking off his hat and slinging it onto the bar.

"Well as soon as you start playing some – You let me know."

"Danny that's harsh – Look, I'm crying."

"Not as much as we were."

"Whatever man – What's up?" Dave yawned.

"Not much, did a model shoot with that Carol McCauley." Danny said, causing Arnold's ears to prick up big time.

"Errr what's she like?" He asked trying to sound casual – and failing miserably.

"Rimmer you're positively drooling!" Lister joked.

"Shut it, and do you have to call me Rimmer?"

"It's less irritating."

"Oh ha-ha."

"You're SO full of insults Rimmer, I swear I actually felt a tear come to my eye… Sorry I meant tear of laughter." Dave joked, his eyes twinkling impishly.

"Fine, you want to continue calling me Rimmer, would you like a drink LISTER? I hear liquid Cyanide is a good choice." Rimmer spat, a fake smile plastered onto his face.

"Sure, why don't you be the taste tester?" Lister flung back as he nicked Danny's beer.

"Hey you mind?" He asked sarcastically.

"Hey I just did a gig and he's been tetchy, I'll pay you back when baldy pays me.

"His name is Howard, I don't know why he doesn't just sack you." Rimmer replied as he pored another beer.

"Because he appreciates my talent." Lister grinned.

"No… I think his semi deafness is more a key factor than your non existent talent."

"Excuse me, sirs?" Came a voice, the three men turned to see a blank faced looking man in his forties in a business suit and over coat.

Arnold sighed. "What?"

"Hi, I asked your waitress what your specials were and she said to look on the specials board – but there's nothing there."

"Damn, sorry sir – Just wait here – Keep an eye on these two, I'd like my sandwich still here when I get back… HATTIE!" He yelled, glancing at Lister and Danny warningly before disappearing into the backroom to find the scatty minded blond…

Hi Mr Food Protector – Meet your enemies, I'm Dave Lister – This is my mate Danny Lion."

"Bob Kryten."

"Mind if I call you Bobby?" Lister asked shaking his hand.

"Well –"

"Good."

"Hey, your last name like that actor's character I was talking to last week?... Ben Browder? He's in Farscape." Danny said in between sips of his new pint after Lister had nicked his old one.

"Nah, people think that." Bobby replied. A small sentence elapsing.

"So did you see the game last night?" This brought a load of garbled talking as a shared interest and 'safe' topic was established…

* * *

"Hattie?" Rimmer called a bit more quietly as he walked past the kitchens to the staff lounge. 

"What?" She asked turning away as he entered.

"You need to write the specials up and actually serve people." He replied in a sarcastic tone.

"Sorry." She muttered.

"You ok?"

"Yeah, yeah… Well no! I've worked here for two years and he's not noticed me once, ONCE!" She blurted stamping her foot.

"I presume we're talking about Harold here?"

"Of course Harold." She snapped rolling her eyes.

"You know I think he's noticed you – He did hire you after all." Rimmer replied, flinching as she grabbed his hand.

"You know what I mean!" She yelled letting go again and wringing her hands.

"He's just a bit… dim that's all."

"Maybe you should try doing stuff that will make him appreciate you." Rimmer speculated, annoyed at having to be kind and supportive.

"Like what?"

"Work for a start. – Look you really think he's keeping you on for any other reason apart from the fact he likes you?" Hattie smiled at this then frowned.

"Are you saying I'm useless?"

"No… Well yes but at least that proves your not been employed for your waitress skills."

"Thanks Arnold – You're not totally useless yourself."

"You mean that?"

"Well no..." The two looked at each other with understanding.

"You wanna come back and do some work? You can point score between me and the Curry Creep."

"Sure, but we both know who's going to win."

"Errr – ME!"

"Wouldn't count on it."

"Hey!" The two wandered back to find Lister, Danny and Bobby heavily engaged in Liverpool United's latest game though Arnold only had one comment to make.

"Alright – Which one of you freaks ate my sandwich?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own any of Red Dwarf, Friends or anything else that is connected to this story. (The bit about the muppets was originally from a female comedian from "TheComic Side Of 7 Days" - Not Lucy Porter, the other one) Anyway, read on and all reviews welcome - Even flames as I feel like having a barbacue

**Vita Amici**

Rimmer flopped down in one of the big comfy chairs - Time for his break.

"Don't think you can slope off Rimmer – We still want to annoy you!" Lister grinned as he, Bobby and Danny each took another comfy chair round the coffee table.

"Define sloping – I only moved from the bar to here, True after another pint or two you will be physically unable to do that but I just thought it was a point worth making." Rimmer replied sighing heavily.

"Whatever Rimmer – The long words don't make you sound smart."

"Just go away Lister and take the beauty buddy and tag along kid with you." At this Rimmer received glares and Lister pretending to hit Rimmer with his guitar.

"I saw that."

"You had your eyes closed – How could you have seen it?" Lister asked, rolling his eyes.

"Technically I didn't but that doesn't hide the fact that you did do something." Rimmer retorted.

"Whatever Rimmer. So Bobby where you from?" Lister asked as he began to unsuccessfully juggle the drinks mats.

"Canada." Bobby replied wondering if now would be a good time to run for his life from the bickering weirdos… Still – They liked sport.

"NO! Really? I just thought you were taking the piss!" Lister blurted laughing. At this Bobby resisted the urge to leave or smack Lister with his guitar for real and just sipped his pint.

"Hey Howard." Hattie smiled as he tapped her on the shoulder.

"Hi, I was just wondering, tomorrow –" He began nervously

"Yes?" She encouraged excitedly.

"Could you do an extra shift? Its just I've got a date and you and Arnold both live above the pub but I thought that he needed some time off… Is that ok?" He asked seeming oblivious to Hattie's hurt expression.

"Yeah… Sure." She replied monotonously.

"Thanks." He smiled kissing her on the cheek before returning to his crossword. Hattie touched her cheek softly before walking over to the other's and sitting on the arm of Danny's chair.

"Hey gorgeous." Danny smiled as he slid her onto his knee for a hug.

"Oh get a room." Rimmer muttered lazily.

"Excuse me but we are just friends – I don't have to have an intimate relationship with every woman you know!" Danny retorted. She knew he meant nothing by this but it still hurt her – The most famous womaniser in town wanted to be just her friend. Still it could be worse – How she wasn't quite sure but it could be somehow.

"What you talking about?" She asked lightly.

"Well, we were discussing the fakeness of Bobby's Canadian accent but decided that was too easy so have moved onto politics." Lister summed up.

"Politics?"

"Yes, politics."

"Why?"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"I don't really know politics, the young guy is leader right?" Hattie asked biting her lip.

"Yes Hattie." Howard replied as he joined them, dropping the half finished crossword onto the coffee table and sitting in the last chair.

"Now, for 1$£ do you think you could name the political party he represents?" Rimmer asked sarcastically.

"Start with a hard one why don't ya!" Hattie whined.

"Hattie – we are talking about the government who controls Britain here!" Howard answered, shocked.

"So? I don't pay attention to stuff like that – Ok?" She defended, cursing herself silently for sounding so dumb.

"It's the Labour Party in power at the minute." Bobby answered quietly.

"Yeah – How'd you know?"

"I just gather information I guess, and I have been living here for the past 2 months – Not that I really support any of the major parties." He added.

"Same here – They all speak crap to me." Howard agreed.

"What about you Rimmer? Bet you're a Tory huh?" Lister scoffed.

"As a matter of fact I am – So what?"

"Rimmer, Any older and they'll be voting a skeleton in as leader." Lister joked, finally abandoning his mat juggling game in favour of building a house of drinks mats – like a house of cards but with larger, slightly soggy cardboard squares with "Beefeater" on one side.

"I think we've got a good government and leader." Danny voiced, blowing a piece of Hattie's hair from his eyes.

"You support Labour?" Rimmer scoffed loudly.

"Yes – What's so wrong with that? – I get to vote yes to the Euro and wear red at the same time!" He pointed out.

"The leader knows nothing – He has no experience! – He still has acne for Christ's sake!" Rimmer protested.

"Yes that was a problem, nearly cost him my vote." Danny admitted.

"So why'd you still vote for him?"

"He started using the lotion I sent him."

"Oh great." Rimmer sighed.

"Anyway, do you really think I'd vote for the Tories? Apart from being old and alive during WW3, They have no taste in clothes or policies. They are so much like bad taste drones any muppet could do the job – In fact a Muppet should do it! – Let's have Kermit The Frog as the next Tory leader! – They'd still not get into power but at least they leader would be less ugly than usual!" Everyone laughed but Rimmer who wondered if it was too late to go back to the Space Corps.

"Yes, but if he did become PM that would make Miss Piggy the PM's wife." Hattie pointed out.

"You're right there Hat – Even I wouldn't take that chance." Danny admitted. "Right, I'm going to work – There's a Speedo shoot 3 blocks down with my name on it." He said pushing Hattie gently to one side and standing up.

"Oh by the way Dave, You know that little problem we had with me not paying your rent for you any more, and you still not paying the rent anyway? We're getting evicted next week." Danny said as he picked up his jacket and walked to the door.

"Oh great man, thanks for telling me."

"No problem. Don't know about you but I'm sure I'll find someone in my little black book to keep me warm."

"And you're saying I can't?"

"Yes – As long as you don't try to play your music… Or sing." Danny added on his way out."

"Oh SMEG! You know the government doesn't do enough for people like me." Lister blurted as he demolished his two card tower with a swipe of his hand.

"Lazy people?" Rimmer asked grinning.

"No, the poorer community – The minorities. I should start my own party – Fight the government and the unfair landlords all in one go!"

"Sure Lister – And the day that happens Satan will be wearing a pink tutu to work." Rimmer scoffed, sighing as the only other people left in the pub before the 4pm afternoon closing got his attention to pay their bill.

"There's some spare rooms above the pub you know, There's only me, Hattie and Arnold since the last 3 tenants left – You and your friend could move in." Harold suggested, resulting in Lister grinning and Rimmer dropping a tonne of loose change on the floor in shock...


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** Don't own anything Dwarf related - Just my weird imagination... Didn't really get the best deal there did I?

Anyway, Here's the next chapter and it's unfloding slowly, more from Bobby soon...

* * *

Rimmer yawned and opened his eyes sleepily. – Saturday – His day off. He rolled over and looked at the clock – 2pm? He never slept this late, oh well at least he felt rested and relaxed. 

He closed his eyes contentedly; Howard and Hattie would be downstairs so he had the whole place to himself… Maybe after a bit he'd get up make a fry up and play a bit of James Last?

His lazy thoughts were interrupted by sudden knocking on the front door.

"Hey roomie! Open up, Howard said he left our keys on the counter and I want to get unpacked and pick my room!" Came Lister's irritating voice through the doors.

This. Is. Not. Happening! Rimmer thought as he dragged himself to his feet and put on a neatly folded shirt and pair of trousers he grabbed from a drawer.

"Hurry up!" Lister yelled as Rimmer crossed the main floor and unlocked the door.

"Smeg off."

"Now, is that any way to speak to your new roommate?" Lister cooed as he staggered in carrying a rather heavy and full looking box.

"What is all this junk?" Rimmer sighed as he padded back across the floor to the kitchen and opened the fridge.

"What junk?" This is all quality stuff!" Lister protested, holding up a random item.

"It's a toaster." Rimmer responded as he poured himself a glass of milk.

"It's not just a toaster Rimmer – It's a Talking Toaster!" Lister corrected proudly as he took the item out of its packaging and placed it on the kitchen worktop.

"Really? And there's me thinking it was just a piece of crap." Rimmer said sarcastically leaning sleepily against the fridge door.

"You won't be saying that next time you want toast." Lister pointed out as he picked up a bunch of letters and stuffed them back in the box.

"What's that?" Rimmer asked in a bored tone.

"It's called paper smeghead."

"Oh haha." Rimmer muttered, yawning.

"Lennon! McCartney! I'm so sorry you guys! Look let me get you some water!" Lister cooed into the box.

"Lister have you got PETS?" Rimmer cried irritably.

"Define the word 'pets'? Lister asked as he pulled out a bowl containing old looking water and two goldfish, the bowl was wrapped in a bag to protect water spillages.

"Oh the RSPCA are gonna love you!" Rimmer scoffed.

"Relax – They're robotic!" Lister said putting the bowl on the counter.

"Wow electronics and water – SO not dangerous." Rimmer teased as he started to wander back to his room.

* * *

Hattie wiped down a table absently and bit her lip. All she had to do was go up and ask him out – It wasn't an extremely hard thing to do was it? 

"Hattie?" She turned at the sound of his voice as he walked together all smart and nervous.

"Hey How." She smiled.

"Look I need your advice – You're a woman right?"

"Last time I checked."

"Well which tie – Blue or blue and grey?" He asked holding up the two ties for inspection.

"Blue." She said after a moment. "So who is she?" She forced herself to ask as she did his tie for him.

"She's called Susan – Lives just down the road – number 81." He explained.

"Lovely." She smiled through gritted teeth. "Have fun now!" She called as he left. "Grrrrr!" She yelled slumping across the bar.

"Woah Hat – You've got this sexy… moody thing going on." Hat lifted her head as Danny sat down opposite.

"Hiya Danny?" She sighed, turning to serve someone.

"What's up?" He asked as she spilt beer on her hand.

"You mean apart from my wrist been covered in half a pint of Eau de Carlsberg? She asked, handing the man his drink with one hand and wiping her hand on her jeans with the other.

"I'm serious."

"It's Howard… He's got a date." She sighed.

"Ah, who's it with?" He asked after a moment.

"Some girl called Susan – Lives at number 81!" She said in a mocking voice.  
"Susan Sinclair?" Danny asked hesitantly.

"Dunno… Probably – Why? You know her?"

"Know her? She's a model and she's had more one night stands than you've have nights in pining after Howard."  
"Smeg! – So she's the female equivalent of you?" She asked dejectedly.

"Not exactly. – She doesn't pay for dinner."

"Danny!" She moaned hitting him lightly on the arm.

"Sorry, If it makes you feel better I haven't slept with her." He smiled kissing her on the cheek before going and sitting at the coffee table with Bobby who had just walked in.

"Yes, but you haven't slept with me either… And neither has he…" She muttered under her breath to his departing back.

* * *

(Anyone get the sinclair ZX81 thingy? Not exactly the hardest refernce in the world but still...)  



	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** Nope! I don't own owt - I'm just wrecking the characters for fun! If they were dead Grant and Naylor would be turning in their graves.

* * *

Well this is gettin messed up and I apologise for the lack of Lister/Rimmer in this chapter, more soon and eventually I plan to get more ahead in time than a few hours and get up different storylines and stuff. (Again - I'm real sorry for wrecking the wonderful characters, but review anyway please!)

* * *

"Hey baldy." Danny greeted as he slid into a chair opposite Bobby. 

"I have a name you know." Bobby sighed, sipping at his drink and scanning the headlines in a newspaper.

"We all have names." Danny replied yawning.

"You want something?"

"Not really, just waiting for Anna to come in with my stuff." Danny replied as he got out a brush and began to restyle his hair.

"Anna your girlfriend then?" Bobby asked, not looking up from the article he was reading.

"God no, she said she'd help me move and I said I'd try and get her a modelling job." He explained laughing.

"What's so funny? Aren't you going to help her?"

"Baldy plastic surgery couldn't help her… I'll introduce you – You could really get along." He added flippantly.

"Oh thank you." Bobby replied sarcastically.

"No problem… Hey here she comes." Danny said as a woman laden with suitcases stumbled into the building.

"Aren't you gonna help her?" He asked as a subtle hint for Danny to sod off.

"Hey I don't do work." He protested matter of factly.

"But you have a modelling career!" Bobby pointed out, curiously trying to get a look at the woman who was still struggling with half of Danny's wardrobe.

"Hey I don't see me getting paid to flaunt my body about as work – More of a gift to the world!" He cried as he propped hid feet up on the coffee table.

"Right… My God! I can't believe you said you were going to set me up with her!" Bobby gasped as he caught sight of her drawn face and badly applied make up.

"You're right – She's way out of your league."

"Danny, can you watch the bar a moment? I just gotta… Go somewhere." Hattie called quickly as she dashed to the door, not waiting for a reply.

* * *

"And you should have seen the look on his face!" Susan cackled, her laughter filling up the restaurant as she leaned across the table, her bosom almost falling out of her dress. 

"I'm so sorry I've been talking about myself all night." She drawled seductively.

"I don't mind…" Howard replied gulping.

"Well tell me more about yourself." She urged, flicking back her hair.

"Well I –" He began but was cut off before he could speak any further.

"Who's that bunch of retards you were hanging out with the other night when I passed on my way to a swimwear shoot?" She asked in a blatantly jealous tone.

"Excuse me?" Howard asked, choking on a piece of salad dressing.

"You heard!" She said icily.

"What's wrong with them?" He asked.

"Baby – what's right?"

"Look not that it's any of your business but they were my workmates – and friends, and a customer or two, you might know one of them – Danny Lion, I think he left to go to the same shoot."

"You know Danny?" She asked, giggling like a school child.

"Yeah but I kind of wish I didn't now."

"Look I'm only pulling your leg." She laughed giddily. Susan as looked up she saw Hattie enter the restaurant. "What I really want to know is who that girl was?" She asked quickly her tone changing once again, as her eyes flashed warnings at the nervous girl as she approached and stood behind Howard, her mouth open, her voice silent.

"What Hattie? She's just a work colleague." He dismissed taking a sip of his drink, not noticing the grin that was spreading across Susan's face, or the hurt look Hattie held as she dashed away.

"She's a great friend as well though, don't know what I'd do without her, not the best waitress in the world but she's made an impact in my life – And a good one at that." He continued, completely unaware of the events that had just taken place – As usual.

Susan watched as Hattie reached the doorway tat the far side of the room and turned clumsily, crashing into a waiter with a metal tray that crashed to the floor with a clatter. Hattie and Susan froze as he made to turn round but it was Susan who acted first, taking hold of him and kissing him deeply, her eyes glinting with success – She always wanted what others did, she didn't want Howard but why should she reject him without playing a few games first?

* * *

"I thought you didn't do work?" Bobby asked as he leaned against the bar chatting to Danny. 

"I don't really see how standing around talking, occasionally pulling pints for beautiful ladies is work." He said smiling.

"Whatever man – And what about the partners of those beautiful ladies?" Bobby asked, nodding to a group of skinheads in the corners.

"Hey, I get girls phone numbers, piss off men and get recognised by people with style! – What could be better?" He asked rhetorically, waving at Anna as she lugged another case in through the bar.

"Woman asked me to give you this." She panted, wiping sweat from her face with her sleeve.

"Thanks." Danny said, trying to hide his distaste as he took the note. "See my charm works!" He grinned, waving the note in his face. Danny opened the note and skimmed it.

"Crap." He muttered scrunching up the note tightly in his hand. "ANNA! Tell Dave and Smeghead to get down here now!" He yelled as he legged it to the door.

"That good then?" Bobby wondered aloud to no one in particular.

* * *

"Hat?" Danny called as the cold winter air hit his face. "Come on Hat, you know what cold weather does to my skin." He moaned as she emerged from a nearby alley. 

"I'm an idiot." She murmured as she wiped away her tears and with it her makeup.

"In what way?" He asked hesitantly, taking her in his arms gently.

"Everything." She cried.

"Not with EVERYTHING." He said biting his lip. "What happened?" He asked tentatively as he led her over to a bench.

"I went to see Howard."

"On his date with Susan? You're right – You are an idiot! Babe, you don't mess with her she eats girls like you for breakfast – Hell she'd eat you for every meal if it didn't screw up her carb diet!" He ranted, running a hand threw his hair.

"What he say?"

"Nothing… To me – She saw me; I think she knows who I am… She was loving it so much…" Hattie faltered, biting her lip, trying to keep calm.

"Loving what?"

"The look on my face as I stood behind Howard and heard him say I was 'just a work colleague' He doesn't care about me – He just sees me as hired help."

"Oh come on! You probably heard it out of context, and you've shared a flat for 2 years. And even if he doesn't want you in that way – So what? There's plenty of other guys and stuff." Danny pointed out softly.

"You're right – You're always right."

"I am? Wow – That's going in my top 10 achievements list." He smiled.

"You have an achievements list?" She asked incredulously.

"Yeah, and this is going in straight at number 3 – Just below 'Slept With Twins'"

"Thanks Danny – Like I really wanted to know about your personal life." She giggled.

"Hey – I have to hear your problems."

"Well sorry!"

"Hey you're shivering." He said as he took off his jacket and wrapped it round her shoulders.

"It looks good on you – Not as good as it does on me of course – But still good." Danny joked as he led her back into the pub.

"Thanks Dan." She muttered quietly.

"For what?"

"For caring."

"I don't care – I'm just after the free drinks." Danny smiled as Hattie burst out giggling.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** I don't own owt ok! God i've listened to the nice laywers this time!

* * *

Well here's another chapter! Yay you! Just want to point out that it is Howard to anyone who cares, just got mixed up with spelling at first and called him Harold in first chapter, And if no-one had noticed that... shit 

Anyway read on and review, I am especially looking forward to Alex's reviews as she's always so cute and hyper and now she has TWO chapters to read! Also in two or 3 chapters she should expect a little homage...kinda...You'll see...Help... (Runs away to work on next chapter to see if can get it written and posted before 4am - Is now 2:30am)

* * *

Rimmer sighed and put down his Esperanto revision guide as someone began pounding on the front door. He waited for Lister to open it but he didn't. 

"Lister? You want to live here – GET THE DOOR!" He yelled but got no response, sighing again he dragged himself from his bed and flew open the door and stalked into the living room to find no Lister but even more persistent knocking.

"What?" He hissed as he grasped the handle opening the door. Anna who had been leaning on the door kicking it with her foot fell forwards and the pair collapsed to the floor, Danny's cases falling all around them.

"God you aren't moving in as well are you?" Rimmer sighed as the person made to get off him.

"Nah – Danny said I help him – He'd help me get into modelling – He didn't tell me his roommates were so cute though!" She cried out in a strong Welsh accent, spraying spit all over Rimmer in the process.

"Me… Cute?" Rimmer asked in shock. "Is this a wind up?"

"Nah hun – You got all that!" She said, standing up and helping him to his feet.

"Errr hi – I'm Arnold." He said timidly whilst screaming 'AHHHHHHH ABORT! ABORT!' in his mind.

"Anna." She smiled, bending to pick up a case.

'Oh dear lord – Am I that desperate?' Rimmer asked himself as he looked at the female creature in front of him.

"Eck." He kind of squeaked, as next thing he knew he was been thrust into the wall. That was then he knew – He could never be THAT desperate!

As he thought this Lister came strolling through the open doorway with another box.

"Get a…Ewwwwww!" He exclaimed laughing.

"Lister please god come and join us!" Rimmer begged, finally managing to detangle himself from the octopus formally known as Anna.

"See ya later - Lover!" She said storming out due to Lister's sudden appearance, deciding to occupy herself with the task of another furniture juggle with Danny's stuff.

"Thank GOD you arrived Lister – I never want to go through that again!" Rimmer panted sitting on one of Danny's cases, his head in his hands.

"Whatever man but with your looks was it really right to turn down a definite shag?." Lister smirked as he sat down on the settee and began to strum his guitar.

"She's outta my eyes," He sang badly to an out of tune chord.

"Come back Anna – All is forgiven!" Rimmer moaned.

"Don't diss man! – This is the first song I ever learnt to play." Lister protested.

"The term 'learnt' being used loosely here." Rimmer scoffed as he became calmer.

"Whatever." Lister muttered, preparing to start again.

"Lister you play that guitar again and our time together as roommates will be short." Rimmer threatened.

"You mean you'll move out if I keep playing my guitar?" Lister asked hopefully.

"No Lister, you will – In a body bag."

"Ooooooooh! I'm so scared!" Lister cried in a falsetto voice, turning to the toaster (which he as of yet had not turned on) Please save me from the big nasty man with the crappy hair!" Lister then turned and ran into Rimmer knocking them both to the floor.

"Lister!" Rimmer yelled irritably at the younger man.

"Oh mister – You're so mean! – But I like it!" He sang goofily.

"Look hun – You could have just told me you batted for the other team." Said Annie from the doorway, putting down more stuff with a thump. The two men jumped away from each other hurriedly, Rimmer especially embarrassed.

"No skin off my nose love." She said, wiping her face with a sweat stained handkerchief.

"Think you'll find it's already peeling." Lister muttered to Rimmer under his breath. Despite the childishness and the fact Rimmer hated Lister, he still found himself sniggering, though immediately stopped as her eyes bore into him, making him feel about as tall as one of the laboratory mice back on Red Dwarf.

Anna made a 'tsk' noise and left.

"Oh god – Think she'll be back?" Rimmer moaned.

"With Danny's stuff? We gotta a lot more trips to go." Lister warned.

"Oh smeg.

"She's kind of like a young version of my grandmother really." Lister announced after a moment.

"Is she welsh?"

"God no – Anna also looks like the kind of person who would head butt the headmaster." Lister explained.

"Your grandma head butted the head teacher?" Rimmer asked incredulously.

"Yeah – When I came bottom in French."

"Well that makes perfect sense." Rimmer scoffed.

"Smeg she's coming back!" Lister cried, the pair dashing to Rimmer's room and shutting the door.

"Errr Lister?" Rimmer asked in that way he did when asking questions. "Your room is down the hall, which begs the question – WHY are you in here?"

"Come on man, I'd have made it before she got here."

"I thought you said she was like your grandmother?"

"Doesn't mean I want to be in her presence when she thinks I'm having a gay relationship with the resident smeghead!" Lister defended sitting on Rimmer's bed.

"Oh and been in my room is really going to – Resident WHAT?"

* * *

Howard and Susan walked down the street lit road, Howard reminiscing about the kiss, and Susan reminiscing about on the look on that bitch's face. They reached the front door to Susan's apartment, and Howard leaned in to kiss her. 

"What do you think you're doing?" She demanded, folding her arms.

"But?..." He trailed off, confused.

"Don't you 'But' me – In any sense of the word! Goodnight! – And please, don't call!" She added as she let herself in and slammed the door.

Howard blinked and began to wander back to the pub – women were scary!

Susan smiled as she thought over the evening's events – It was fun messing with people's minds and wrecking relationships – It was an original hobby – And if the guy was hot – Two in one!

She skipped up the stairs, her recent conquest already forgotten as she began to plan how to capture Danny Lion, a man who had been playing on her mind for a while – For someone who seemed to have had a woman on very street – often more than one he was a very slippery guy to get – But she would – She always did…


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer:** I can barely be bothered stating the obvious really...

Hiya then! Here's another chapter and its only just 3:30am! Yay! ahem Anyway I hope this last chapter before I go to bed (hopefully) will acheive a few things, despite it's shortness;  
1. Is funny.

2. Proves to Lar I haven't forgotten Danny though he still wasn't in it much (Still love him though hugs imaginary Danny cough)

3. Freaks Sian out big time...

* * *

"Lister what's this?" Rimmer asked as he picked out a black oblong. 

"Oh its brutal man – Got it at the vintage discount store on Titan a few months ago for a few $£ - Came with loads of games as well." Lister explained enthusiastically, taking the item from Rimmer and setting it up to the mains.

"In other words it's junk." Rimmer speculated smugly."

"It is NOT junk, it's early 21st century – It's called a Playstation 3."

"Struggling to care."

"Whatever – Look it's like a pre AR machine thing." Lister explained poring a box of games onto the floor.

"Lister – I did not think it possible for you to annoy me any further but you have now managed it." Rimmer sighed tiredly

"Just look! – 'Grand Theft Auto: New York' 'Tekken 10' 'Resident Evil 6500' '007 – Shark Tooth'"

"Ok, I get the point, just shut your incessant whining you podgy excuse of a human being!" Rimmer spluttered with annoyance.

"You saying I'm fat?" Lister asked in a shocked tone.

"Fat? Every time you move it's like watching a sumo wrestler belly dance."

"Nice description Rimmer." Lister retorted sarcastically as the door opened and Anna walked in.

"Last box… Oh." She began, remembering Danny's request.

"'Oh?' What?" Rimmer snapped.

"Nothing – I'll just leave you two to sort out your problems." She answered shutting the door behind her quietly.

"Remind me never to speak to that woman again."

"Ditto."

* * *

Hattie opened the door and shuffled in, followed by Danny a few seconds later.

"Who's all this stuff?" She asked, biting her lip.

"Danny's." Lister replied, staring at the TV as he shot a zombie clear through the brain with a shot gun. "YES! DIE" DIE! DIE!"

"Errr right, you going to move your stuff into your room or are you planning on sleeping in the sitting room?" Hattie asked, wading through the boxes and cases to reach the settee.

"Hey I don't do work."

"But you have a job."

"I've been over this already!"

"Just shift the stuff."

"Ok, ok, god you're being mean – And I was comforting." Danny pointed out as he grabbed a case and disappeared down the corridor.

"Comforting you about what?" Rimmer asked, looking round as she took of Danny's jacket and laid it on the counter.

"Just Howard stuff." She replied

"Ah."

"SMEG! I died!" Lister groaned throwing down the game pad in annoyance.

"What the smeg is that thing?" Hattie asked, sitting next to Rimmer on the settee.

"Playstation 3, from the hall of crap, dated – the dark ages." Rimmer replied, yawning.

"Don't talk smeg man – It's a classic 21st century gaming experience!" Lister argued in a hurt tone as he reloaded his game from his last saved position…


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer:** Do not own anything

I hate Sian! I wrote this chapter real quickly and she went like a minute before i'm posting! Unelivable, and to think I added this pointless chapter just for her! Anyway read on and one last point -

If anyone has seen my missing reviewer? She goes by the name of Boogle though some know her better as Alex, has been missing from reviewing my chapters for a fw days - Current worry is that she and Gerald her hat have been kidnapped by Mister Flibble and his horde of lamp shade skiing penguins...

* * *

"Is something wrong?" Bobby asked Howard as he called began to close up. 

"No, no, women are weird." He said with a knowing look on his face.

"True – The day I understand them is the day I voluntarily go to Alaska." Bobby announced as he stood up.

"Right… You going?"

"Well it appears it is closing time, I haven't to go to work for another 8 hours and I have some recorded episodes of 'Androids' to watch – So yeah, I'm going!" Bobby preached as though talking to a child.

"Come hang out with us. – The 'Androids' thing cannot be good for your health."

"And you lot are?" Bobby asked, only mildly sarcastically.

"Look we can have a legal lock in." Howard tempted as he switched of the table lamps.

"Ok, ok… But I'm not getting wasted." Bobby relented, sighing.

"Whatever."

* * *

"That all you got bud?" Danny laughed as his Tekken character Eddy Junior thrashed Nina into a KO.

"Noooooooo!" Lister cried in disbelief.

"Well if you would pick a geriatric character Rimmer replied trying not to show interest.

"Is he related to Jerry the cartoon mouse?... Had a love/hate thing going on with a cat – I wonder why they could never just kiss and make up?..." Lister said as he pressed continue.

"Lister your mind is a dangerous place – please, don't ever unlock it." Rimmer begged.

"Whatever." A small silence elapsed, broken only by Lister's occasional groans of annoyance at his inability to win.

"Yes!" He suddenly cried getting a good combo.

"Die."

"Lister."

"Die!"

"Lister!"

"DIE!"

"LISTER!"

"What?"

"Shut. Up." Rimmer answered clearly and slowly as Bobby and Howard walked in.

"Hey."

"Hiya guys – Come to watch me beat him?" Lister asked as the word 'Fight' came on screen.

"In your dreams – Why don't you take Nina to something more her scene – like the Post Office on pension day?"

"What is that?" Howard asked as Hattie moved up so he could sit by her, and Bobby took a chair next to Lister and Danny."

"This is a Playstation 3 – Classic pre AR gaming experience." Lister said, groaning as he got KO'd again.

"Errr right." Howard said, not really wanting to know much more.

"Lister what do you think you are doing?" Rimmer said with a slight menace.

"I'm taking my boots off."

"Well don't!"

"They're only feet." Lister protested, ignoring Rimmer and propping his feet up on a coffee table.

"Your socks Lister, are a bio-hazard." Rimmer scoffed annoyed at the lack of respect.

"You kidding me? His whole body is a bio-hazard." Danny retorted.

"Yeah… HEY!" Lister said as he got the sentence.

"Lister just how much of a retard are you that it took you a whole 7 seconds to get the insult?" Rimmer asked sniggering.

"At least I'm not a smeghead." Lister through back.

"Right – That is it!" Rimmer yelled, making for Rimmer's guitar.

"Hey – Back off you little freak!" Lister yelled dropping the game pad and grabbing his guitar just before Rimmer.

"Little?" Hattie asked, giggling.

"Hey, I saw it in a movie on a classic channel once." Lister defended, hugging his guitar to him.

"Riiiight." Hattie and Rimmer echoed.

"Speaking of which can we change the channel now?" Hattie asked as a small gap.

"Ah." Lister replied.

"What do you mean 'Ah'?"

"Ah – it's a sound you make." Lister replied.

"What did you do?" Howard asked sighing.

"Nothing, I just, in the course of setting the Playstation up… Lost the TV remote." Lister said dashing to his room and shutting the door…


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Red Dwarf do you REALLY think the lawyers would let me wreck the show like this?

Well bit later than planned and here is this extra long chapter - hope it's kind of good and funny, even though it's pointless and stuff... Anyway read on and review! It is now 2:30am and I fear I am so bored I am turning to do homework!... I think the call of noodles comes first though...

* * *

"Apart from the fact he's been here 5 hours and has already lost the remote and made the ugly Welsh girl think we're a gay couple-" 

"WHAT?" Cried the others in shock.

"Errr long story, the point is, does it really matter he lost it?"

"YES! What about my reality programs?" Hattie whined.

"And it's MY television!" Howard pointed out in an annoyed tone.

"And what about Androids!"

"You don't even live here Bobby."

"Oh details, details!"

"Anyway, no offence baldy-" Danny began as both Howard and Bobby turned to glare at him. "…Old baldy – It's not exactly the newest TV in the world – It's so old it would fit in at one of Dave's antique junk shops!"

"HEY!" Howard yelled jumping to his feet crossly.

"Yes!... I mean what we are all forgetting is that no-one has asked Howard about his date yet!" Lister shouted through the door.

"Hey he's right – Tell everything." Bobby urged, not noticing the look of sadness from Hattie, or the warning shots from Rimmer and Danny.

"It was really weird right she came on so strong – Then just blew me off at the last second!" Howard explained, sighing as he sat down again.

"You didn't have the prawn vindaloo did you? For some reason girls have an anti kiss policy whenever I eat one!" Lister answered, still from the safety of his room.

"You sure that just doesn't happen normally?" Rimmer replied, rolling his eyes dramatically at the wooden door that separated him from the resident tone deaf lout.

"Awww man that's cruel! – And totally untrue! I mean why diss my love life when most women probably run from you in fear that two trains are going to emerge from those nostrils any second!"

"At least I didn't torture people so much on the hospital radio that several people woke up from comas and went home to get away from you!" Rimmer retorted smugly.

"Yeah well you're the one who worked at a Samaritan's helpline and caused 5 people to commit suicide – Including a guy with a wrong number!" Lister through back.

"You've been reading my diary!" Rimmer accused crossly.

"Nah - Couldn't find it yet – It was in a letter from your lawyer saying because of that and other problems he no longer wishes to represent you – Mostly because the 'No win – No fee' policy of his company means you've almost single handily made him bankrupt."

"You read my mail?"

"So? You read my diary!"

"I did NOT!...Ok I did – At least I had the decency to do it sneakily!"

"Sneakily! You rooted through my boxes when I was setting the game up and read it at the table – Hardly sneaky!" Lister pointed out, his voice muffled from speaking through the door

"Was kind of boring anyway – Your handwriting is atrocious! And what I could read was full of drivel about some woman with a really long name." Rimmer sighed, his nostrils flaring massively in the process. He waited for a reply through the door though none came.

"Listy?" Rimmer called tauntingly

"What Rimmer? Waiting for me to serenade your lawyer with my music?" Lister answered after a moment.

"No thanks – 5 Suicides is QUITE enough thank you." Rimmer retorted, his face repulsed at Lister's music playing.

"I don't agree – You're still alive." Danny snapped as he lazed in a chair.

"Oh thanks for that." Rimmer muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Don't mention it!"

"Like what's happening now? We can't use the TV!" Hattie moaned girlishly.

"You could poke the buttons on the monitor with a stick?" Danny yawned.

"You could get a decent TV – Like the mirror ones where everything's voice controlled – state of the art, like Red Dwarf." Rimmer suggested, eyeing Lister's door menacingly.

"That your mother?" Lister quipped with a laugh.

"Where would I get the money?" Howard asked, crossing his arms.

"We could all put some money in?" Hattie suggested doubtfully as she thought of her bank balance.

"Ha that's laughable! – When I was searching for his diary I found Rimmer's wallet – I swear he must be the most tight-fisted man in the universe – I opened it up and released moths – Ugh it was horrible going in there – Couldn't have used the money anyway – decimal currency isn't legal tender anymore!" Lister laughed from the safety of his room.

"Dave – Shut up!" Hattie sighed, yawning.

"Yes and get out here and help us look for the remote so we don't have to keep watching Danny beat up your non-controlled geriatric character!" Howard yelled, hauling himself to his feet as Lister burst out of his room to find the game score 37:0 to Danny.

"Cheater!" Lister accused chucking a cushion at him.

"Seriously bud – Would the score be really any different if you'd been playing?" Danny asked as he chucked down the game pad.

"He has got a point Listy – All you're managing to do is kill your granny character!" Rimmer scoffed smugly.

"Yes but at least she isn't real when I kill her – You manage to kill people with the sound of your voice!" Lister retorted grinning as Danny threw back the cushion catching him on the jaw.

"Children, children, grow up and help search - Maybe the place should be tidied up a bit as well?" Bobby asked as he kicked a few of Lister's games.

"What are you? – A housewife or a girl?" Lister joked as he threw the cushion back at Danny but missed and landed in Bobby's arms.

"No – Just not the kind of person who likes mess, in anyone's home." Bobby corrected proudly.

"In that case catch this cloth and do the washing up while we clear up Dave's mess." Hattie challenged sweetly as she and Bobby each threw the object they were holding, the cushion and cloth passing gracefully in mid air before being caught respectively by the alternate person.

"See he's a girl!" Lister protested, his voice rising in pitch.

"No Lister –It just mean's he'd be good at sports." Rimmer retorted, grinning.

"Hey I can play sports!" Lister argued in a hurt tone.

"Lister we are talking about physical exercise – The kind of games that require more than opposable thumbs and a game pad!"

"Whatever Rimmer – I'm fit as a fiddle me!"

"Tell that to your excess flab!"

"I haven't got excess flab!"

"Buddy do you really want to make this tell a lie, go to hell thing easy for those who decide the outcome of your plea into heaven?" Danny joked, his teeth glinting mockingly.

"Like heaven and hell really exist!"  
"Oooooh that's gonna cost ya!"

"He's right Dave – God is real, I bet he's very smart – like an IQ of 6000!" Howard added lifting up one of the chairs and peering underneath.

"Why 6000?"

"6000 PE teachers!"

"Yuck – Mental image of 6000 sweaty, fat and ugly gym teachers with their whistles and shorts lost in their cleavages." Lister whined, hitting his hand on his forehead.

"Cheers Listy – Did you have to share that image?"

"Hey if I'm going down mentally – I'm bringing you all with me."

"In that case we won't be going down very far!"

"What?"

"Doesn't matter – You go eat a banana like a good chimpanzee!" Rimmer laughed as he nudged some of Lister's games tentatively, scanning the ground for the remote.

"Bananas? Nasty!" Lister responded, his face screwing up with distaste.

"You don't like bananas monkey man?"

"BANANAS? He doesn't like fruit!" Danny blurted out as he nibbled on one of his nails to even out an imperfection.

"Really? Well that explains a lot Listy – especially the pudginess around your cheeks!" Rimmer criticised his eyes glinting with pleasure at the argument.

"What? No I haven't!"

"Sorry to tell you bud – But you've got Chipmunk Cheeks!" Danny said, patting Lister on the shoulder, his face as serious as a man could be whilst biting his lips to prevent giggling.

"You guys gonna help today or should I just wake you up tomorrow with my special alarm?" Hattie warned, her hands placed firmly on her hips/

"What's her 'Special alarm'? Lister asked cheekily.

"Trust me – It's painful!" Rimmer grimaced at the thought.

"You really wanna know?" Hattie asked huskily as she leaned in close to Lister. "Well close your eyes…" Lister did as she asked and waited as he felt her warm breath on his ear…

"AWOOGA! AWOOGA!" She hollered at the top of her lungs causing Lister to jump high into the air as the others burst into laughter.

"Smegging hell!"

"I did warn you!" Rimmer laughed happily.

"Cheers Rimmer – Thanks a lot! Gawd Hattie I think you burst an eardrum! Stop your laughing! It ain't funny! Let's just find the damn remote control before I give you all wake up calls with my guitar!"


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer:** Singing to tune of 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart' I don't own Red Dwarf, I couldn't if I tried, Oh Danny I wish that I could, but I aint one of the writers! ...(Ahem)

Anyway, welcome to a very, VERY prolonged instalment of Vita Amici - sorry for it's rubbishness, but nevermind... Oh yeah - If your wonderng why the hell I'm listening to 'Don't Go Breaking My Heat' it's to do with a random fic that came into my head - should post it later tonight, but it culd be in two or three parts - It depends.

* * *

Lister flopped down onto the settee and yawned. "Finally." He said as Danny walked into the apartment holding a bag of Indian take out in one hand and what looked like the remains of a black remote control in the other. 

"What do you mean 'Finally'?" Danny said with a roll of his eyes as he put the bag on the counter.

"Well you found the remote!"

"Yeeeees – In the middle of the pavement – I stood on it as I came back with the food." Danny replied as Howard took the remote from him and turned to glare at Lister.

"How the smeg did it get into the middle of the pavement?" He asked, causing Lister to shrug his shoulders and stand up – Slyly moving to his room whilst grabbing his order from Bobby who was helping Hattie and Danny to organise the food.

Howard let out a defeated sigh and ran a hand through his thinning hair. "Is he always like this?" He asked towards Danny.

"Afraid so bud. – Don't worry, you'll get used to us." Danny added as he poured himself and Hattie some wine.

"He doesn't play his guitar often does he?" Rimmer asked hesitantly.

"Erm yeah… Do you lot have ear plugs?" Danny asked, getting the response of a yes from Hattie and Howard, and a no from Rimmer.

Rimmer shot a confuse look at them. "It's your self hypnosis tapes…" Hattie said after a slight pause.

"And the Hammond Organ music." Howard added.

"And Reggie Wilson." Bobby said after another pause, causing everyone to look at him oddly.

"How do you know I like Reggie Wilson?" Rimmer asked suspiciously.

"Just a guess."

"Ooooooookay… Don't you have to go home?" Rimmer responded as he flopped onto the settee next to Hattie.

"Not really." Bobby replied as he but his curry order back in the bag Danny brought it in, and exited through the door anyway.

"Awwww I feel really guilty now." Hattie muttered after a moment.

"You're too soft, he has a home – You make it sound like we've just turfed out a small, lost puppy dog." Rimmer replied as there was a small meaning Howard had gone into his room and shut the door.

"Whatever Arnold." Hattie replied as she picked at her food with her fork.

Rimmer shifted his weight and listened to the slight uncomfortable pause, he had spent many a night on the settee with Hattie, mostly talking about Howard, but now Danny was here too.

Danny cleared his throat and poured himself another glass of wine. He turned his head and looked past Hattie to Rimmer. He thought for a moment, and then topped up Rimmer's glass too – He didn't like Rimmer and wouldn't mind starting an argument if only for the fun of winding him up, but Hattie needed her two confidants to be there for her… Even Danny knew that much.

And however 'blonde' the model was, he also knew what Hattie thought and he also knew there were many times he could have taken advantage of Hattie when she was low, and that she probably wouldn't mind, but he had lines to draw – Even if that meant shutting her out sometimes even as she opened up.

He supposed that's what he'd done with Susan – On the whole he didn't generally 'draw the line' with women, but Hattie was a special friend, and Susan… Well, she was kinda mental.

He took another sigh and put the plastic tray of half eaten food onto the coffee table, then he stood up, grabbing the wine glass with one hand, and running the other threw his hair as he left Hattie and Rimmer, and walked towards his room.


End file.
